Blatant advertising.

I'm not going to update this anymore.

But please go here:

http://www.SaadiaS.deviantart.com

C:

DX

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EDIT THIS BLOG.

I want this to reach you. Somehow.

@Harshi Nee

GOD UR GAY. D:<

Dude, I'm like angry at the people who didn't give a rat's ass about you when you were here and now are all "OMGGGZZZZZ I LOVE YOU I KNOW WE HARDLY SPOKE BUT U WERE THE BIGGEST PART OF MY LIFE OMGZZZFAKKOFFBETCH"

:(

I just wanted to tell you that..I want to talk to you so bad man...

I want to know how you're doing. Stupid, right? I know, u dont have to tell me.
Right now, I've accepted that you're gone, because I KNOW you're gone, but I know nothing else.

I just wanna chat for about ten minutes. That's REALLY all I want.

Obviously, logic takes over, and I know it won't happen.

But there's this..selfish, human, needy part of me that wants to believe it could. Or better yet, that all this never really happened.

Sometimes I wonder if logic and rationale trick my emotions into believing something, or if its the other way around. Or if I do it on purpose. Its so confusing, and to be perfectly honest, a lot of the time, the reason I seem normal is cos I don't believe it, cos I don't know whats happening, or whats happened.

Nothing makes sense, and there is no truth.
If I'm asked, I can give a perfectly believable answer without believing it at all.

I need help now. I don't know where to go, or whom to go to. Frankly, I'm ashamed, and though it seems hypocritical, I don't want to talk to anyone about this. It's GOING ON MY BLOG XD.

I just want to talk to you.
You weren't my best friend, but babe, you came awfully close. And since its you that makes me feel this way, its only fair that I talk to you about this, no?

I don't 'miss' you. I forget that you're dead. I reach for the phone, or search for you on Facebook, or go to Twitter to check my '@SakiiSan'

And then I find nothing, and I'm still confused.

Oddly, it never hits me. I feel your absence so much but it never hits me.

I'm sorry I'm so much weaker than you thought.
I know you used to look towards me for advice. Maybe not all the time, but sometimes, for hope, or just laughter, because I could give you something to look forward to, no matter how hopeless life would seem to be.
I'm so glad you did. I'm so glad I could.

But I was never tested this much.

At least, that's what I think. Who knows, really? I most certainly don't.

Rest in Peace.
I love you. =]

Argh.

Blogger sucks. Seriously. why does it have to...oh screw you. D:

Newly Found Persepective.

I don't know how I could possibly ease this in, so I'm going to start the only way I know to.

What is the point to life when it can get taken away from us so quickly, whether we're 18 or 80?
What is the point to living, studying, being responsible, helpful, the best we can be?
And what is the point in focusing every ounce of our energy into things we don't even want to do so we can enjoy a life of luxury at 30, when we're dead at 19 or 20 or before that?

A few months ago, someone I knew died. A 17 year old boy woke up one morning and wanted a doughnut. So he left home, and was hit by a jeep. He flew into a lamp post and shattered his spine.
Time of death, 7:28 AM.

A few years ago, someone else i knew died. Another 17 year old boy partying on the roof of a building. He got shoved over, fell through a sheet of glass, and bled out.
Time of death, approximately 1:30 AM.

Doughtnuts and a party. Recipe for disaster.

Some of us believe that when someone is meant to die, no matter how old or healthy that person is, he or she WILL die. It WAS his time, or her time, there's nothing that could be done about it.
Some of those people believe that because their religion says that it is so, that your birth and death are written in stone. And others believe that, just so living is easier. It's easier when someone you love dies, because what you believe says that it wasn't your fault. Survivor's guilt is easier to bear when you feel that it simply wasn't your time. And its easier to live, to go out and buy a doughnut or go bungee jumping off of cliffs. Especially when the people around you are taken so suddenly, so STUPIDLY, that nothing feels safe.

As for myself, it's both those reasons. And you can call me a coward if you like, you can call all of those people cowards, you might even be calling yourself one. But is it REALLY weakness, when, no matter what the reason may be, people just try to make living this cruel reality a little easier?

I started writing this, because my grandmother died on the 2nd of December, 2009. To be honest, I don't think about her, but on rare occasions, I feel...guilty. And upset. And mortified that I didnt call her when she was lying on a hospital bed, rendered almost speechless because of the pain.

How Im personally dealing with death is another story, but I started writing this, because I was scared, and confused, and I wanted to know what the fucking point was.

So, I'm at the end of this..note, and I've been thinking, and I still don't know what the point is.
But I do understand this; that at some point I have to stop thinking about death, and stop worrying about the future, and I have to make sure that the people important to me know that I love them. And that I'm happy and healthy for as long as i DO live. And even if the world won't remember me when I'm gone, the really important people will love me and miss me for as long as they live.
It's cheesy, but its true.

I started writing this because I wanted an answer, and if not that, then maybe clarity and perspective.

I dont think an answer really exists anymore, but I found the rest. And I think I'm just going to have to live with that. :)